25 Days and Counting…
You’d think being 25 days away I’d either not be worrying yet or not at all given this is our second food we will be challenging. But I am. Luckily the holiday season has been a good distraction and I must admit I’m somewhat relieved we will going through the challenge AFTER the holidays. I feel this way for a few reasons: 1) food challenge takes a bit of work on my part, this time baking. 2) It’s busy enough with shopping, decorating, baking, and parties 3) By waiting we added a few more weeks for his numbers to trend downward.
As the challenge continues to approach, I’m starting to prepare myself mentally. It’s a weird and very scary thought to think we will be giving him food we know he is allergic too. And then we sit and wait. And check him. And feed him some more. And wait some more. And check him. And, I’m sure you’ve got the pattern. And then if he’s done well, we go to the waiting room for an hour. And we wait. But by this time, my hope has risen. He’s eaten a whole serving of the food and up until this hour wait, he’s not reacted. Then we finally get the all clear to leave. Yeah. I need mental preparation for that!
I also start praying. Each nightly prayer I say always includes a prayer for his allergies to improve. Now, I not only pray for his numbers to improve and daily safety, but I also pray for his safety during the food challenge. I pray that it will be successful, but more importantly I want him safe. If he reacts, I pray, we will notice it quickly and it won’t be full anaphylaxis. That is the risk, we could be setting him up for anaphylaxis which can lead to death.
So this is my worry on my mind these days. The food challenge that’s designed to make my life easier, is now making me want to be a crazy, hot mess. I want to hide him and keep him safe. I want to wrap my arms around him and remind him his mommy loves him. You know, just in case in 25 days, that challenge goes bad. I know I should be strong and stoic. And around my family, I always am. I should know that everything will be OK. I should have faith in the medical system and my allergist. And it’s not so much that I don’t. Because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t do the challenge. I’d find another allergist. But mostly, I worry about the what-ifs, and possible outcomes. And I want to make sure he has no doubt, in case that worst case scenario happens, in that rare possibility, that his Mommie loves him more than the world.
So, why I’m spilling my crazy emotional mess on this page? Simply, because sometimes I need to let out my worry, my fears. I need to, so that I can keep sending him into the world full of poison and doing food challenges on him without going into complete freak-out mode. I need to stay strong in front of him so his life can remain worry-free as every 3-year-old deserves.